Women and furniture.

They go together like Diet Coke and Mentos, like Pit bulls and children, or (my personal favorite) like “my ex-mother-in-law and me”.

Question: Well do you mean to say that men are the home-makers, Patrick?  Repsonse: Uh, no.

Of course women are the interior decorators.  But when it comes to the furniture – especially the larger, less mobile funiture – they are masterfully controlled by Lucipher himself.  They are more fickle than a 6-year-old in a toy store.  I have broken down the female modus operandi when rearranging furniture into two simple goals:

1)   She wants you (her mover – you didn’t know what you were getting into when you first started dating, I know) to perform back-breaking work for an extended period of time.  Goal 1: break your back.  Reason 1: have you immobile and helpless – they may be conniving but at least they’re conniving caretakers – for unknown period of time.  Simply put, the women in your life want you to remain property of theirs for as long as possible.  What you can do to stop it: Nothing.  In addition to nothing, you can milk it by asking for (and often getting) sandwiches and completely unnecessary affection.

(above: typical distribution of work.)

2)   (This one is far less important in her mind than the first goal.)  She sort of wants to see if the couch would look better against the left wall – she knows deep inside ‘the couch would look horrid over on the left wall’.  But then she remembers why she began dating you in the first place (see: Goal 1 above)

I maintain that this is the only sin a woman readily commits.

So fellas, in the future when your lady begins the crafty requests that grow into you moving the dining room (yes, the whole damn dining room) into the kitchen, remember this advice: fake an injury early along in the project.  You’ll find that your woman doesn’t care a bit about the furniture – she wouldn’t ask seven Nordic weightlifters to help move all of the furniture strewn about if they knocked on the door.  (However, don’t tell seven Nordic weightlifters to come over because you can’t compete with seven Nordic weightlifters – I don’t care how faithful she is.)  This is just a great excuse to be lazy around the house for the next few days.  Then, when it’s clear you’ve regained all your strength, have buddies Jake and Mike stop by [convenient, huh?] and help you with that devil of a dining room.

Fooling your woman is easier than you think.