Aside from good music and aesthetic appeal – if you’re not hot, you drop like it’s hot – a band can only be successful if it has a name that can be readily pronounced by the majority of Americans.  And as proven by Miley Cyrus, if you have two names that each roll of the tongue well, your success is doubled.

In special cases, you don’t even need the aesthetic appeal.  For example, Gorillaz are an animated band of a variety of pseudo-apes – somehow they go on tour, doesn’t make sense, the concerts have got to be duds.  In others, the good music is not necessary either.  Milli Vanilli had enough of the aesthetic appeal and fun name that the music was overlooked.  The duo would literally have women come on stage during their shows, while “singing”, and dance with them.  The women never once noticed anything even slightly fishy.  (see: Milli Vanilli Curiously Invite Blind Women Only Onto Stage)  Okay, that article (probably) doesn’t exist.  But I find it hard to believe that the women would be fooled when the hulking men began licking their lips and blowing kisses to them during the chorus.  Women.

The one thing that is completely imperative to musical success is obviously the roll-off-your-tongue-ness of the group’s name.  Has any artist with a name like “Zob Clack Mulch” made the ascent to stardom? (wow, ridiculous analogy, I know)

This analogy, however, will blow you out of the water.  N’Sync, or as you – yes, you, N’Sync freak – might know them:
Justi N Timberlake
Chri S Kirkpatrick
. Joe Y Fatone
. La N ce Bass (dammit Lance! you ruined our super-tight acronym)
. & J C Chasez

were a big thing in the late 90s and around the turn of the century.  But the Y2K bug crawled under the skin of the Boy Band Industry and left the world to rot (we had no choice but to call the ex-Terminator, and let him govern a state of ours).  Fortunately all the Y2K bug managed to do was dissemble the band units, but left the raw talent and determination fully intact.  So, a lot of heart-throbs began the solo thing (Justin won) and got a nice share of the entertainment limelight.

Lance produced and acted in the 2001 film, On The Line, and even gave roles to bandmates Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone.  Joey has become a popular TV personality most known for his postion as host of “Dancing with the Stars”.  JC is a judge alongside Li’l Mama (God, why choose that name?) and Shane Sparks (also totally fake name).  He is also the only sane judge on the show (fact).  Justin decided to become the renaissance man of his generation, the heart-throb to Americans of all three sexes, and the biggest mistake the ESPY awards ever made (unless he is a great host – in which case he’s just a renaissance heart-throb).  Chris decided to age faster than the other four and banish himself to the confines of an underground cave in the Appalachian Mountains.

My girlfriend Amy with Chris Kirkpatrick. We just ran into him while spelunking.

Question: So where do the Jonas Brothers tie in?
Answer: They don’t.

Question: So why did you title this “The Jonas Brothers”?
Answer: Of course they tie in!  I’m getting to that!  Hold onto your horses already.

The Jonas Brothers are a sensation.  And like all other sensations (namely N’Sync) they are in control of their fate – or rather how much money the make and how long they will continue to make that money.  The relationship between artist and consumer is much like that of an emotionally-inept girl and a really conniving jerk.  You see, at some point, the jerk will make it appear that he has committed in a big way to his visibly clueless squeeze.  She will, in turn, actually commit to him (often she will commit way, way too much -  but that’s a separate blog).  Much like how an artist creates the illusion that he has committed to you, the buyer, by producing this music.  Then you whole-heartedly gobble up all of his albums, T-shirts, iTunes tracks (yeah, you need the iTunes and the physical album – in my story you’re very weird), and “Mrs. Jonas” underwear.  You commit to him (and like many girls you have committed way too much).  And this puts him in the driver’s seat.  He can now control almost every aspect of the relationship; he tells you whose albums you can buy, he tells you what you can wear (if anything at all), he tells you how much to pay for his next album or fragrance.  But the worst part about his control is that he can pull a Chris Kirkpatrick and drop off the face of the planet.  You will have some issues with recovering from this love that left you high and dry – but then again you already had issues if you got emotinally invested in a pop star you only fantasized about.

So ladies, I know “The Jonas Brothers” rolls off the tongue the way you’d like to roll into the back seat with them, I know that their music sounds like the sweet tunes from Apollo’s lyre, and I know that they’re smokin’ hot brothers that have you “Burnin’ Up” to be with them, but think about the long run.  Where will you be in five years when “Avenue” and “The Saturdays” have eclipsed those irresistible Jonas boys?  Will you be left high and dry (you emotional wreck)?

If you see yourself with Joe Jonas in five years I guess you have to learn it the hard way.
The rest of you girls might want to look into a more attainable love-related aspiration.  I’m single.