I am a pretty big sports fan.  I don’t really focus my knowledge or fansmanship ( uh huh, fansmaship, it’ll catch on soon enough) on one sport.  There are enough crazy one-sport-fanatics in the world.  The kind who live and die with the Baltimore Ravens (they would have died a lot more than lived in the past few years), the kind that would actually bother tracking down the guy who caught the pop fly that cost the Cubs the World Series (and harrass him), or the kind who paddle around in kayaks and dive after home runs when they land in the lake behind the stadium (I take it back, these guys are cool).  No, I am a bigger sports fan than these specialized nimrods (except for Mr. – or Mrs. – Kayak).  And here’s why.

Baseballs too large. Baseballs floating. Mr. Kayak confused.

You don’t need all the excess knowledge those baseball connoisseurs have.  What you need is the full understanding of the rules and regulations of the game (if you don’t understand a tag-up you won’t be admitted to baseball games – yeah there’s an entry quiz), knowledge of at least a handful of greats either still playing or dead for 30+ years (the ones who have recently died are less important) and why the are/were great, and finally, you need to be able to mimic the proper athletic moves (you don’t need to have similar athletic ability – you just need to be able to make a solid throwing motion as you critique the all-stars’ performances from your box suite).  It is also helpful, though not necessary to know which athletes are hot in the given sport (e.g. Nastia Liukin is an outrageously beautiful gymnast.  I know this).

And that’s what I have perfected.  Sounds easy, right?  Wrong!  I have the above three essentials down pat for all sports.  Seriously, all.  I will critique the brushing of the Canadian Curling Team come the Winter Olympics in Vancouver in 2010.  And what’s more is that I will be able to show that his grip is less effective as I slide across the floor of my home, fake brushing at the rug.  I can tell when a badminton player is having an off day (and it won’t be because the announcer told me so), I know that I want to start a family with Nastia Liukin, I know what Alain Bernard was thinking when he was dominated by the faster, stronger, more American Jason Lezak (‘damn’) and I know that this is breaking off on a wild tangent.

So, I’m sure the same question is on everyone’s mind; ‘Can I rise to fansmanship stardom like you, Patrick?’.  I know you all want to be such well-rounded, knowledgeable fans, sporting your finely tuned fansmanship at every sporting event you can manage to attend.  I’m sure you’d all like to be at my house to watch the 2010 Vancouver games; critiquing with me, boasting your well-rehearsed curling lunges, kickin’ back knowing that if you and I were in Vancouver the USA would be placing one-two in short-track speed skating.  And I’d love to have you over.  But the notion that you could whip yourself into such amazing shape in just two years is very ambitious and perhaps impractical.  (Unless you’re Nastia Liukin in which case you’re already in great shape and welcome to come over any time.)  My advice to you is to start lifting weights less frequently, crack open a sports almanac (read backwards) and practice your Jai-Alai throwing motion.  (Note: If you begin sweating, sit down immediately, ask closest person to you to grab a beer for you and focus on the television screen.  You do NOT want to push yourself to injury during this rigorous training.)
If you have any stories, videos or comments to share about your training to achieve fansmanship excellence, please send it in to me at patrickstpierrecolumn@gmail.com.

Be safe, my friends.

.