I had an ex-girlfriend (once in a dream) who had her own very distinct philosophical ideas – some more sensible than others.  I found this attractive, or at least more attractive than a girl who just agrees with everything I have to say (it’s “yes”-man not “yes”-woman, duh).  Not to say that I have ever met a girl who agrees with everything I say – that girl would be right all the time – but I can just imagine that it would get old after two weeks of having every spoken word confirmed.  This ex-girlfriend of mine, whom we shall call “Rachael”, would always say that the best emotion a person can feel is vindication; the worst, granting another person vindication.  Aside from all the great Dashboard Confessional flashbacks this would always bring me, I thought it was mildly interesting.  I don’t always appreciate it when people try to simplify big, complex issues into very simple analogies or little one-liners, but something about her little assertion made sense.  Of course, as soon as I heard her other points regarding why women should be able to keep their last names after marriage I knew she was a nut (what’s next, should we let them vote and drive?!).

I’m joking, I love women, their right to operate an automobile (with their yelling from the passenger seat) and that suffrage thing.  But don’t go burn all your bras just yet.  There is something to be said for maintaining that delicate balance.

Example of woman who disagrees with everything man says.

You do not want this.

Example of woman who agrees with everything man says.

If you have personal thoughts, you may not want this.  Otherwise, it’s a great life.

I only bring this girl up because I have been analyzing my and “Rachael’s” ex-dating friendship recently.  If you somehow never noticed – or live under a rock on the planet K-PAX – being your ex-girlfriend’s friend is difficult.  It’s alot like that time I tried to balance a shovel upright on my chin – difficult.  Lucky for you, reader, I have had immense practice in this art and have it down to a science of simple social engineering.  But first, in the words of the great DJ Kool, LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!

Step 1:  You must first understand that you are the Chris Kirkpatrick to her N’Sync.  Just as he was the least popular member of the group, you are the least popular male friend of hers.  And, a la Chris, you must stay off her radar for a few weeks or months (depends on “chill”-ness of said woman).  I suggest either chillin’ at the Holidae Inn or just going back to K-PAX for a while.

Step 2:  Emerge from unsaid period of social hibernation.  As a bear after hibernation, you’re going to want food.  So eat lunch.  (Step 2 is everyone’s favorite step.)

Step 3:  Slowly come back onto her radar by making your presence known to her friends which will travel to her in a few milliseconds (women are masters of communication).  If the reaction you get is some voice-hate-mail, you have emerged from hibernation to soon and must repeat Steps 1 & 2 again.

Step 4:  Now that you are on her radar at least a little bit, begin making your existence a more casual, natural thing.  You can ask questions (steer clear of the love life topic) and try to engage her in friendly conversation (protecting you neck and crotch at all times).

Step 5:  This is a very important one often overlooked.  Many guys think that all they need are steps 1-4.  Those guys are wrong.  After reappearing on the scene, make a significantly shorter vacation to K-PAX.  During this time, your absence will be noted in some way.  (note: this is not how to get a girl back.)  She will probably not “miss” you per se, but you will reclaim your post as “friend” much more easily.

I consider my friendship with the said ex to be about as healthy as any such relationship can be.  Naturally, we don’t see eye-to-eye (I’m a lot taller than she is) and we tend to disagree (because she tends to be wrong).  Her father hates me – not surprising – and every one of my friends pray (not true, my friends are Heathens) to never see her again.  But that’s just protocol for friendships like ours.  I still think she’s smart.  I still like talking to her when I can’t avoid it.  I still like telling horror stories about her (some true) to everyone I meet.

There it is, my friends.  The video tutorial will be on YouTube in no time.