Through my extensive travels across big- and small-town America, I have noticed a number of trends in the American exercising world.  I was able to do this only because I am selfless enough to sacrifice my own workout time to sit around and observe others as they exercise.  Unsuspecting teens, adults and senior (a.k.a. “seasoned”) citizens were unknowingly put to the test against my watchful eye and extraordinarily critical mind.  Learning from the sorry individuals described above, I compiled this list; the five best ways to embarrass yourself at the gym.

Way #1

Wear improper equipment for the exercise being performed.

There are few things funnier than seeing a young boy emerge from the locker room with his thick, leather lifting belt fastened around his waist and Harbinger weight lifting gloves tightened and proceed to hop on the elliptical machine for a half-hour jog.  

Way #2

Try to start a conversation with the person exercising next to you.

Let me first clarify that being friendly at a public gym is not a bad thing.  Not at all.  However, the term “friendly” must be situation-specific.  For example, if Randy next door walks out at 5:30 AM in his pajamas to grab the paper and you happen to be outside as well, you do not confront Randy to ask him what he thought about the Celtics game the night before.  Instead, you offer a casual “G’morning” and raise your coffee mug slightly.  Similarly, while I am pumping away on the bench press, do not try to start small talk just because you happen to be on the bench next to me.  When someone is at the gym, he or she is at work, hard at work.  You do not interrupt work.  

Somehow there are still a number of gym-goers who don’t understand that concept.  Hopefully they will find each other and talk endlessly while they hit the stationary bikes.

Way #3

Flex into the mirror.

This is the most sure-fire way to make zero friends each trip to the gym.  There’s just something about PDN (public displays of narcissism) that turns everyone off.  To the average gym-goer, a nice, fit body is not hard to spot out.  Therefore, there is absolutely no reason for muscular people to flex into the mirror.  Since I can safely assume that the given person owns a mirror, he or she can check his or her body at his or her own home.  The rest of the gym is truly uninterested in the form of your triceps.  The other scenario involves a non-fit person flexing into the mirror which is embarrassing in two ways: (1) the rest of the gym gets to see how not fit you are and (2) the only thing more detestable than narcissism is feigned narcissism.

Way #4

Be noisy.

In a sense, the obnoxious behavior described here ties into Way #3 above.  Anyone willing to scream like a tennis player while finishing a set on the bench press might as well be yelling, “One-thousand-one, one-thousand-two.  Ugh, I’m almost there!  Everyone stop what you’re doing and spot me.  I can’t believe this!”  I think the guys who bench press over 250 pounds can avoid the screaming.  The other common occurrence  of noisy exercising is when someone who naturally groans loudly attempts a challenging workout.  This happens most commonly with women (not to be sexist, men can just keep their mouths shut while they pump iron) who try some kind of anaerobic exercise like a shoulder press.  It would seem that so long as the said person is supporting the weight, she will be making as much noise as she possibly can.  I need not explain how this is embarrassing but I will warn you all against the ultimate mistake here – self-talk.  Do not give yourself encouragement or positive self-talk that others can hear.  I equate this to offering an impromptu reading from your personal diary at a fine Italian restaurant.  You shouldn’t ever do it.

Way #5  -  The last way!

Misunderstand the machine on which you are exercising.

Naturally this error occurs more on some machines than others.  I will demystify the biggest culprit for you my reader(s).  It is called the dip assist.  It’s purpose as you unbelievably clever reader(s) may have decoded is to assist the said person with a triceps dip (your body is held up by your arms which are straightened down holding onto two parallel bars, then you lower yourself via the elbow joint and push back up via the triceps).  This might sound a little challenging to the average American.  And it should, you’re all out of shape.  Just kidding, the dip ASSIST has you in mind.  There is a pad between the two bars on which your knees rest.  The pad is connected to the weight system which pushes up as you push up thus acting as ASSISTance, not resistance.  Somehow, no one figures this out for themselves.  At my gym, I know of three non-employees who understand this machine.  I am one of them.  On about every other trip to the gym, I help some fellow gym member use the dip assist.  The most common mistake on this machine is that the exerciser does not grasp the concept of weight assistance (body weight – selected weight = weight you are pushing up).  This happens most commonly to men over 275 pounds and women under 140 pounds.  The men have a macho complex when they enter the gym.  They are all aware of their size and they therefore convince themselves that they must outperform all the smaller people (the exception being cardio work).  So, when they find themselves facing the daunting task of working the dip assist, they naturally select about 250 lbs. of what they think is resistance.  Then they end up performing sets of near 100 repetitions and are forced to feign fatigue (the bigger ones are horrible actors).  Now the women, their issue is the exact opposite.  My mother defines this category so I have this idiosyncrasy completely figured out.  Because women this size are always timid when in the gym, they select 10 lbs. on every machine, regardless of all other factors.  So when a 140-pound woman hops on the dip assist with 10 lbs. of assistance she is working with 130 lbs., much more weight than the heretofore-mentioned ogre was working with.  Most of the time the woman will quickly notice that she cannot perform the exercise, get off expediently (the weight then clangs loudly, marking her failure), and never again attempt that machine.

 

So dear reader(s), heed my warnings.  Following these steps will prevent injury to the spirit lest that spirit be already damaged.  If you are like me, you want to be the best, you want to excel in every situation and circumstance.  Furthermore, if you are like me, the gym is one place you will not excel.  

Hopefully you are not totally like me.