When Serena Williams verbally assaulted the baseline umpire in her semifinal match in the U.S. Open, she did more than just lose her temper. For those of you who did not have the esteemed privilege to watch or hear about the threats caught on a well-aimed microphone, Serena told the umpire after being called for a foot fault, “I swear to God, I feel like shoving this ball down your fucking throat. I swear, I’m not…” but then she digressed. A moment later, Serena was adamant that she had not threatened the life of the woman when an official came out onto the court. In fact, Serena tried her hand at diplomatic pseudo-lying. As the officials informed Serena that she had promised to “shove the tennis ball down the official’s throat”, Serena replied, “I didn’t say I was going to kill you”. Clever. But not nearly clever enough to fool the likes of me. Athletes don’t have the verbal argumentative skills necessary to tiptoe through that sort of disaster. The reason they get to be world-class athletes is by just doing their shit, not by finding circumlocutory ways out of facing their mistakes – that skill still belongs exclusively to us online writers. I’m going to knock Serena around a bit, prove that she is a liar, poor sport and all around bitch.

First, let it be known that she will not get off easier by just saying, “I didn’t say I would kill you”. In all honesty, she did. Shoving a tennis ball down a woman’s throat (regardless of the size of the woman) will result in that woman’s speedy death. She will neither pass go nor collect $200. So, if I describe to you how I am going to kill you, I have effectively said that I will kill you (though tactfully excluding the word “kill”). That is, “I’m going to stick an ice pick through your chest and leave you in a commercial freezer for two weeks” sends essentially the same message as “I’m going to kill you with methods that have a common winter theme.”

Next, Serena loses more points for not womanning up in the press conference following the game. Raw emotion is great. I love all sports and nothing enhances the viewer’s experience like getting a glimpse of the fiery drive within the athlete but there are limits to this. Serena made it clear with her unforgettable diction and body language that had there not been hundreds of cameras and thousands of people in her immediate surroundings, she would break her second racket across the judge’s skull. Serena insisted afterward that she had never been in a fight before and that the woman was overreacting for having expected some sort of physical encounter. The woman was right to expect a fight and to fear for her life. Serena is built like a Mack truck. The lines judge was built like my Aunt Betsy. I love my Aunt Betsy but she would not have put up a good fight against Williams.

To make a long story short, Serena Williams is a talented, if stupid woman who let her emotions get the best of her and the way America will see her for the rest of her life. Her outbreak did not compare to Federer’s meager profanity in opposition to what was a horrendous decision by the chair umpire. Had Williams been present she surely would have screamed, “Sack up Roger! Why don’t you just grow a pair and threaten to beat up the nearest seated woman?!”. I hope Ms. Williams is regretful of what she did but there is really no use in trying to fix the damage she has done. She must turn inward for a while and hope that the public glazes over her indiscretion until she can reemerge as a competitive female athlete and not a blood-hungry werewolf seeking small, defenseless Aunt Betsys.