Every man reading this (I suppose that’s just about every man in North America) and every woman who has seen the 2005 RomCom (short for romantic comedy) “Just Friends” knows what I’m talking about when I say that I hate “the friend zone”.  Every male teen has thought to himself at least once, Damn, I’m slipping into her friend zone. This is a scary realization, too.  The friend zone is similar to volcanoes in that if you get too close to it, you’re done; if you’re good friends with a cute girl, hoping that she will soon see you as something more, make damn sure she doesn’t want you to go shopping with her, feed her sensitive side or ask for your opinion on anyone else’s clothing choices.  These are all red flags that you, my friend, are slipping into the friend zone.

As evidenced by his man boobs, this dude is all up in the friend zone.

I’d like to ask everyone to observe a moment of silence as we drink in the amazing beauty that is Amy Smart (right).

I suppose that’s done, now.  So, being in the friend zone must be the worst thing ever, right?  Actually, although being in the friend zone is awful there is one girl-related issue that is worse, far worse.  The horrid situation that is worse than being Ryan Reynolds (that’s a sentence beginning I never thought I’d write) is when you have a girlfriend and realize that in order to keep her happy, you have to take on the role of girlfriend.

The reason this is so awful is two-fold.  First, it should be pretty clear that we are not equipped for this job.  I have my sensitive side just like every other guy, but that just means that I cry at the end of Rocky III and Rudy.  We aren’t going to fall apart watching The Notebook or when the family hamster dies.  Second, it hurts.  It just hurts.  We want to protect you from the big, bad things in the world and we want to have you to ourselves on occasion.  One thing we don’t want is to feel like your happiness hinges upon our willingness to sacrifice our Y-chromosome — we love that chromosome; it’s our favorite one, always has been.

So girls, it is your responsibility to your man and to your relationship to bring out his masculine side.  Sure, you can try to coax out some sensitivity and compassion from time to time, that’s healthy.  But it’s healthy in the way that lemon grass shots are healthy (one a week or month) not in the way that carbohydrates are healthy (hundreds a day).  Assuming our roles in the relationship is one of the most important features of a lasting relationship.

Raymond and Deborah. A couple that will last through the TV seasons and reruns.